Robert

I know a lawyer named Robert. Robert is one of my pseudo-friends--i.e. one of those guys with whom I will be completely cordial and whom I utterly despise. I maintain my pseudo-friendship with him solely because he entertains me. My life, as of late, has been boring, and so I glean amusement from others' horribleness.

Every so often Robert will interview a candidate for a position at his firm. He typically interviews law students looking for their first job or junior associates who are looking to make a lateral move to another large firm. Most lawyers would be annoyed by having to interview people especially when they have a huge deal/case/project/memo/opinion on their plate. Robert, however, is different.

He selects candidates for interviews based on how "hot" they sound.

"How can you tell someone is hot from their resume?" I asked him once.

"Look at their activities and what school they went to," he said.

"For example?" I said.

"For example, girls from schools in the south and the west coast are generally hotter. University of Texas and UCLA have the highest concentration of hotties."

"Uh huh," I said, knowing full well that Robert knew I did not go to a southern or west coast school. "Go on."

"As for activities, drama club ladies are usually hot," he mused, "but it's all a gamble."

"I see."

Robert is on a committee, so not all the candidates selected for interviews will be based on Robert's Criteria of Hotness. Yet upon the receipt of his stack of resumes, he puts a preliminary number on the upper right hand corner of each female candidate's resume, indicating his prediction as to the candidate's Hotness Level.

As I was sitting in his office, Robert pulled out a resume with a "7" on the corner. "University of Arizona," he said, "but she's in a choir. That can be a toss-up."

He pulled out another resume with a "2." "University of Chicago and bowling," he sighed.

Robert then interviews these candidates and bases his recommendation on the accuracy of his prediction of the candidate's Hotness Level. The "2" from University of Chicago would get a stronger recommendation if in fact, she was a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10. "This rule can be bent for those in the 9-10 range," he qualified. "There was one girl," he laughed, "who was an idiot. She said her main motivation in becoming a lawyer was making money so she could afford her expensive gym membership."

"Really?"

"Yeah, but she was a 10 so I strongly recommended we hire her."

"Wow. Classy."

"Yep," he said.

I wonder, what would the world be like without all the Roberts to fill it?