Guys 101 - revisited

A guy recently gave me and my gal pal a primer in Guys 101. She and I are both in our late twenties and certainly not dating novices. So it shocked him when he discovered that we weren't privy to one of the most fundamental tenets of human nature:

A guy is never nice to a girl for no reason.

which is a corollary to:

A guy is only nice to a girl because he has some interest.

[This is similar to my previous entry on the theory that guys and girls can't "just be friends."]

This rule was of course met with reactions like "Oh COME ON!" and "Yeah right!" But he stood by it. And he conceded that there are exceptions to every rule including his, but more often than not, he was right. So we started throwing examples at him.

"A guy asks a girl for her email address?" [Yeah that was me asking about Non Emailer. I'm over it, really I am.]

"Interested."

"A guy asks a girl to have after-work drinks?"

"Interested."

"A guy who's already spoken for asks a girl to have after-work drinks?"

"Interested."

"Even if he's taken and they both know that he's taken??"

"Yes. Think about it, would he tell his woman that he's having drinks after work with a single girl?"

"Maybe...?"

"No."
___________

Side note: I think a lot of girls think that a man's status as "taken" acts as sort of a buffer. In other words, if a taken guy asks a girl to drinks or dinner, it seems innocuous because the guy is presumably devoid of interest in the girl because - "duh" - he's taken.

Another side note: A lot of girls are sometimes wrong.
___________

My friend and I mused over his seemingly glib assessment of all men-kind. I furthered, "But there've been times when I thought a guy liked me, and I was totally wrong."

He responded, "Sure, once in a while, a guy will be nice to you simply because he's just nice. But playing the probabilities, guys are never 'just nice.' "

Afterwards, my friend & I discussed this. I suppose a lot of girls like to shy away from assuming that any/every guy nice them is looking for more. First, it just seems plain arrogant to assume a guy likes a gal on the sole basis of him being nice to her. Second, as I mentioned above, some gals have thought guys liked them--and were wrong. Third, girls are nice to guys just to be nice, nothing less nothing more. So perhaps they assume the same in reverse.

At any rate, the Professor of Guys 101 just couldn't believe that my friend and I were so naive. A part of me resists his black-and-white rules. While another part of me kind of wishes that rules could be that black and white, especially those pertaining to the mysteries of the male mind.

Unlikeable

I recently met a guy my friend is dating. I do not like him. Now, I like to think I generally like most people. They usually have to do something to make me dislike them. In my friend's guy's case, he said, among other things, "I don't like Jews."

Now, everyone harbors some racism. And perhaps I should give the guy credit because he openly acknowledges his own racism while others (myself included) like to pretend we never see color, just people. The thing is, if I am racist, if I harbor negative stereotypes about groups of people, I despise that about myself. With him, he seemed to feel justified in his dislike of Jews.

It started when I said I had a thing for Jon Stewart.

"But he's a Jew," he grimaced.

I looked at him. "So what if he's Jewish?"

He repeated, "He's a Jew."

"What do you have against Jews?"

"Oh I'm just kidding around. I joke about disliking Jews sometimes."

I was like, Oh-kay... But he later again said how he didn't like "the Jews" and how "they own all the banks."

"Well," I responded, "some of them own banks because, um, they are smart and worked hard to get to where they are."

Instead of addressing my response, he simply continued his original line of conversation. At any rate, it was clear I wasn't going to persuade him to be less anti-semitic.

So how to answer the question my friend posed to me later: "So what do you think of him?"

I know that a girl will pick the guy over her friend when given a choice. I don't want to jeopardize the friendship by calling the guy a Nazi/Klansman/racist bastard. So I took the easy way out and said "Oh, he sounds...interesting."

Still, I feel like she should acknowledge the fact that his blatant anti-semitism is a problem, that it should be at least a factor in her assessment of their long-term potential. Perhaps because she has no Jewish friends or connection with Jews, she feels that his anti-semitism is irrelevant. It doesn't affect how well he treats her.

But it really bothers me. And it bothers me that it doesn't bother her. So I'm considering bringing it up with her. Nicely. Like, "Does it bother you at all that he doesn't like Jews?" I know what the answer is, and I run the risk of antagonizing her, but maybe it'll get her thinking.

On the plus side, the guy did mention that he thought Hitler was a bad guy for murdering millions of people. At least he drew the line somewhere.

Wake up

I had a dream that Non Emailer emailed me. Several times. The emails were in 24 point font, bright colors, comic sans. He was asking me questions about myself.

Some people dream about transparent birds flying out of rainbow lakes. I dream about Non Emailer emailing me.

Yep, dreams can be pretty fantastical.

Coffee between friends

"Guess what Tom did for me today?" Aly gushed.

"I don't know, what?" Beth said as she sipped her coffee.

"He sent roses to my office every hour, each hour with a different colored set of roses!" she squealed. "And for no reason except to say that he loves me!"

"Wow, that's great," Beth replied, trying to smile. "That's almost as sweet as a guy showing up an hour late on a first date and calling you the wrong name."

"Oh forget about Mark! Sorry you had such a crappy date."

"It's okay."

"Don't worry," Aly replied. "You'll find someone," she added with a knowing nod.

For a moment, Beth remained silent. "Umm," she said slowly, "Yeah, I know I'll find someone, but thanks."

"I didn't mean it like that," Aly replied. "I mean, you're smart, funny and cute. You're a catch! You deserve so much better than that Mark. One day you'll find someone as great as my Tom!"

Great as my Tom? Beth glared at Aly. "I really appreciate your condescending pep talk, really I do," Beth replied, "but spare me your pity. You're actually making me feel worse."

Aly sighed and looked at Beth in the eye.

Beth looked back at Aly. "What?"

Aly shook her head and said, "I can't win with you, can I?"

"You always win," Beth replied, her voice grating. "That's your shtick."

"Look, just because I'm in a relationship and you're not doesn't mean you can be bitchy to me," Aly said, blinking thoughtfully.

"Wow, you're funny."

"Face it," Aly sighed. "You're jealous."

"Like I said, you're funny," Beth replied deadpan. "Truly."

"I'm not going to feel bad because I have a boyfriend and you don't. And I don't need to apologize for being happy."

"Excuse me," Beth said, "I don't believe I asked for an apology for you being happy."

"You didn't need to. Your bitterness says enough," Aly said, raising her chin and narrowing her eyes.

Beth couldn't help but laugh. "You're so sad."

"Excuse me?"

"You sit there, so smug. All because of Tom." Beth stood up and threw a ten dollar bill on the table. "Your self-worth and superiority all hinge on Tom."

Aly continued to stare at Beth.

Beth continued, "I'd hate to see what happens if that ended. What will you have then? Certainly no friends, given the way you're acting."

Aly rolled her eyes.

"While I appreciate the gesture, you can't pity me," Beth declared. She swung her purse over her shoulder and smiled. "I hope you and Tom have a happy life together. The alternative would be--" Beth searched for the right word "--pitiable."

So you think you can dance

To ensure that I have hobbies other than analyzing how I turn guys off, I signed up for a cardio class at a local dance studio. It's a "cardio striptease" class, where you learn "sexy moves" in the form of a cardio workout. No, you don't actually strip and yes, you actually do engage in a cardio workout, as I learned in the first class this past Saturday.

It was around noon and I walked into the studio and tentatively placed my purse on the window sill. I surveyed the other girls in the class. They looked to be yuppies or yuppies-to-be, in the twenty to thirty-something age range. The instructor, a professionally trained dancer and a former cheerleader for the city's NBA team, walked in with a cheery air of confidence, tossed her long blonde hair behind her shoulders, and beamed at the class. Her fitted turquoise tank top and black tights did little to hide her well-earned athletic physique. I looked at my own reflection in the mirror and couldn't help but feel frumpy in my baggy sweatpants and billowy t-shirt.

Before we learned our routine, we did a warm-up. One of our less modest moves was literally lying on our backs and thrusting our pelvises up and down. In other words, humping the air. As I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling, humping the air, I mused over the vision this would be for some random guy if he were to walk in. A bunch of twenty/thirty-something year old girls wearing tank tops on their backs, fornicating with the air.

But not every exercise was a pornstar-in-training move. There were sit-ups, leg lifts, push-ups. The most arduous part was extending our arms sideways and moving them in little circles. Sounds so easy, but it was sucking my will to live. Some girls had to stop after a while because it was so hard.

After our warm-up, we learned our dance routine. At first, I was totally lost, trying to keep up with all the seemingly complicated dance moves. But after a while, I sort of got it and, with the dance music playing, got into it. The swishing of our hips and calculated head tilts became fun.

Okay so it may be a while before we become the newest version of the Pussycat Dolls. This morning I woke up in pain. My entire body -- my legs, back, stomach, arms -- ached. I can barely walk without looking arthritic. Still though, I must admit it's a satisfying soreness, the kind that tells you that you had a good workout. I know that eventually the soreness will go away, and soon all of us will be athletic dancing sex goddesses. That, or at least in better shape.

Mirror mirror on the wall...uh, nevermind

Whenever a guy does not like a girl back, a girl tends to blame at least one of two things: (1) her looks, and/or (2) her personality. Because men are such visual creatures and our culture glorifies appearance over substance, I think most girls tend to blame the former: their looks.

I was chatting with the Naysayer the other night, contemplating over the Non Emailer debacle, and couldn't help but succumb to that 12 year old insecurity. I resisted at first, but I had to ask him: "It's not because he thinks I'm ugly, right?" and "I'm not ugly...am I?" -- to which he yelled at me, "NO."

Yes, I'm well aware I broke "The Rules" and hence that may be why Non Emailer is revolted by me. But come on, if Jessica Alba or Angelina Jolie broke the Rules by calling a guy instead of waiting for him to call her, I don't think the guy would be revolted by her un-ladylike forwardness. Let's face it, the Rules are different for the truly beautiful women, as opposed to the not-bad-looking, sometimes-looks-cute-in-certain-lighting girls.

So I told the Naysayer that a lot of girls (at least in my case) can't help but think, "Oh if I were only prettier, then he'd like me back." His response: "That's probably true." But he added: "With Non Emailer though, I don't think that's the case. It just wasn't there."

Yes, I know that personality accounts for a lot, but I think having the prettier face gets your foot in the door, so to speak. Having a prettier face softens a guy, weakens his defenses, and opens him up to the possibility of liking you. While those of us with a less-than-gorgeous mug face an uphill battle.

Not that I'm butt. (Or am I?!) I just wouldn't mind being that effortlessly gorgeous gal.

Then again, a downside to being effortlessly gorgeous is that a gal will attract too many guys, so many guys that it's a task to weed out the undesirables and to ascertain whether or not a guy likes her for her, or her breasts.

I suppose either way, it's tough.

Like I said before, it's so fun being a girl.

Don't try this at home

Some would say spontaneity is a positive quality. A spontaneous gal will go on a last-minute weekend trip to a nearby lake or impulsively walk up to a group of people at a party and say "hi" without worrying over what to say and just wing it. I am occasionally spontaneous, and in most instances, a fun time ensues.

I've recently discovered however that there is a downside to having occasional bouts of spontaneity. Spontaneity necessarily involves lack of premeditation. And so sometimes, this "positive quality" will induce the holder of it to do something stupid, like, for example, throw all The Rules out the window and on a spur of the moment click on the "compose" button in her email program to write a stupid email to Non Email Guy under the pretense of some professional objective.

Yeah.

As soon as I sent it, I internally screamed. All those suggestions from some of my friends sprung to mind: "Men like the chase," and "Don't you want a guy who has the balls to pursue you?" blah blah blah. But then I thought of the other adages: "If a guy likes a girl, it doesn't really matter who does what," and even more compelling, "Fuck 'The Rules.' "

So what happened? Well he replied. I thought and hoped, "Oh, if I get the conversational ball rolling, he'll see I'm totally interested and suggest hanging out or something." And so we emailed back and forth several more times, where I segued the conversation from professional pretense to more friendlier topics. And then...the emails just ended. No dates lined up. No follow up questions. Just silence.

When I reported this to the Naysayer, he first yelled at me for not giving Non Emailer more signals (I apparently was not "suggestive" or flirty enough), and then wavered in his explanation as to why Non Emailer didn't ask me out: Either (1) he doesn't like me, or (2) he's a wuss. "So even if he does like you," the Naysayer reasoned, "do you want to date a guy who's such a wuss?"

Guess not. Though of course that ball was never in my court.

While I admit, this may not be the End of the Saga of the Non Emailer, I can't help but feel deflated. Ah well. I may be good at tempting fate. Just not men.

Well

After consulting 5 guys and 4 gals, and reading comments from Loofa & Anonymous, I have come to the conclusion that Non Email Dude more likely than not has some modicum of interest.

Armed with this newfound knowledge, I will now...continue to sit by the computer waiting for him to email me.

It's so fun being a girl.

Waiting by the computer (a.k.a. musings of a stupid neurotic girl who may or may not like a guy who may or may not like her back)

I had met you a couple weeks ago at a business event. We’ve hung out (in a group of course) a couple times since. We chatted a bit; we seemed to connect pretty well. I thought you were cool and so I gave you my business card.

I’m not sure as to whether or not I like you. And so when you followed up the following Monday with a short friendly email to my work address to just me, not the group, but just me, I thought, well, maybe. You asked in your email for my personal email address. I responded accordingly and quipped about the weather. You responded and – unsolicited – volunteered your non-work email address. We shot a couple emails back and forth. And that was it. All of this occurred on Monday.

Today is Friday. Why the hell haven’t you emailed me yet?! Why would someone ask for a spoon if they weren’t going to use it? Similarly, why would you ask for my personal email address if you weren’t going to email me? Am I supposed to email you? Both guy and gal pals advise against my emailing you. “Let him come to you,” they tell me. “But he’s not!” I insist. “He will,” they say.

But you haven’t. Like I said, today is Friday.

So the question on my mind is, was your email a purely professional gesture? According to the Naysayer, guys don’t affirmatively “follow up” with girls asking for their personal email addresses unless there was some modicum of interest (hopefully non-professional, if not unprofessional).

But then again, maybe you’re one of those guys who go above and beyond to extend your network of business contacts. You like to garner the personal email addresses of all potential clients because it establishes camaraderie, rapport and all that other bull shit.

Yet, if it was purely professional, then why, after already having my business email, would you ask for my personal email?

It is this tiny thread of logic upon which I hinge my hope that you may like me back. Pathetic, I know.

So I am meeting up with my guy friend later. I keep imagining that he and I will bump into you while we’re downtown and that once you see me with this strange gentleman, you’ll be overcome with a fit of jealousy so unbearable that you will have no choice but to do what you haven’t done all week – email me.

So let’s cut all this nonsense out. Save some room on blogger.com. End the speculation.

Email me.