I try really really hard to be normal and to seem normal. Normal to my friends. Normal to my bosses. Normal to GD.
The thing is, I don't think I am. I have issues. And I think everyone, on some level, has issues. In other words, everyone is fucked up in some way due to some experience (example: having been cheated on) or predisposition (example: having a history of depression).
Right now, I am trying really hard to be normal, and to not let my insecurities or neuroses ruin my thing with GD. A girlfriend and I once joked that in the beginning of a courtship, a girl has to hide her craziness. Act normal, easy-going and collected. Lull him into a false sense of security. Once the guy becomes hopelessly attached and/or in love, then the girl can reveal her true craziness, and by then, it's too late for him to "escape."
Not that I'm trying to "hide" my craziness. I'm trying to just stop it. Erase it. Make it go away. But after numerous failed relationships, a gal will inevitably accumulate certain irrational fears. Right now I'm afraid that these irrational fears--i.e., the things that make me not perfectly normal--will sabotage any relationship I have. And even if they don't sabotage the relationship in the first place, later on they'll be revealed. Then GD will see my flaws and imperfections and freak factors in their naked glory, shake my hand, say "it was nice meeting you," and bolt. It's probably analogous to the horror of a child witnessing Mickey Mouse take off his costumed-head and see that it's just a 43 year old man beneath the suit, that there is no Mickey Mouse, and that it was all a colorful illusion.
Like I said, I have issues.
A couple friends have said to me "Just calm down. Chill out. Be 'whatever' about things." In other words, "Don't get crazy." That's probably as effective as walking into a psych ward and announcing on the P.A.: "Okay schizophrenics, manic depressants, bipolars and multiple personalities: Stop being crazy."
I guess there's no point in mulling over it. I can only do my best, right? Right. I'm just hoping that'll be good enough.
3 comments:
Hmm. You had a disappearing post. It was something about GD's friend and fall-back wife. I think that was very tacky of him. But, beyond that, I don't think ignoring your so-called insecurities is the way to go. After all, his friend might be who he goes to for most of his emotional needs when you're the one who wants to be that person.
Yes, I was revising and re-revising the post and then GD came to pick me up and I ended up just deleting it. Anyhow, yes, a couple friends agreed it was a bit tacky of him to mention that. I mentioned how the Naysayer is my best friend to him and then he told me it was "weird" that my best friend is a guy! The future wife is just "one" of his best friends, so I suppose that's his loophole.
Anyhow, you raise valid points. Unfortunately, there's not much I can do about it.
True, but you might make things easier for yourself. I read something recently that recommended a couple of options, though it was directed towards men (so the opposite of your situation). The first option was just to create the type of connection with him that he has with her. Maybe it's attention he seeks, for example. The other option is to buddy up with her; I guess in that way you become her teammate, and then you get to share in the connection, at least. Either way, he'll be coming to you more.
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