I just had an enlightening talk with one of my bosses. He wished me a happy birthday, talked about where he was at age 29, and how far he's come now that he's in his fifties. I mentioned how demoralized I've been with the dating scene, and asked him, given his age of fifty-something, what he could impart to a single 29-year old. Some very interesting advice, apparently:
A person sometimes mistakenly believes that once she meets the right person, i.e., The One, this right person will somehow see, accept and subsequently assuage all of her insecurities, issues and neuroses. The love and validation that Mommy, Daddy or the Boss never gave her can be found in this one person. This hope gives way to optimism over this one person, because maybe, just maybe, this one will be the right one, and the right one will make everything better.
That is a mistake.
A person can't piggyback all of her problems or hinge her happiness and future hopes on one person, or any person for that matter. Nor can she hinge her happiness on her career. She has to first be happy with ... *corny alert* ... herself. In other words, she must suffice.
His words struck a chord with me. I've been bummed lately, due to lack of validation from work and men; all this time, I've been looking outward to be happy. And that was a mistake.
So my boss suggested following through on my interests, take a class, join a club. The agenda shouldn't be Finding A Man. It should be Doing Something I Actually Enjoy. He admitted that it might sound kind of corny, e.g., a single yuppie joining a book club with a bunch of other loners, but f that. If it's fun and you enjoy it, then do it. And doing something you enjoy actually makes you (surprise surprise) happier.
Also, he suggested trying to contain optimism. He knew it was easier said than done as he himself struggled with that in his single days. Try to contain the oh-my-god-he's-perfect! with eh-who-cares-if-it-happens-it-happens.
So I found all that very refreshing. It helped to hear that I'm not the only one who can feel be foolishly optimistic and subsequently demoralized by the disappointing dating scene, as he too went through the same pangs I am going through right now. It was also nice to hear that there is an explanation for the way I've been feeling and that there's at least one way to assuage the angst.
All in all, a well-received and very, dare I say, hopeful birthday present.
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4 comments:
Happy Birthday!
Wise boss you have there. What he says makes sense but it is hard to accept/do. As I get older, it just seems harder to just focus on interests and not try to be proactive and hunt for a sig. other.
What he says make sense and I think I may try to follow it though.
A yellow lawyer (male)
Funny, I thought back and realized that a few months before meeting the-man-I-would-marry, I made a (corniness coming) life-changing purchase. I bought a piano. Okay, a keyboard. I hadn't played in years, but I decided that I needed to do something to rediscover myself (since no one else seemed to be discovering me). Playing gave me an outlet I'd been missing. Looking back, I can see that I was becoming a happier person at that point and, I presume, more attractive.
I'd agree with the boss. When we have things to do (i.e., work, projects, etc.) that we love, and that we do only for ourselves, then we'll always have the means of making our own happiness. The other disappointments are then no longer as important.
Boss would be happy to hear that people agree with him (though probably less happy to know I occasionally blog at work). Anyhow, the epiphany is refreshing, so it's good to hear others echo his sentiment.
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