Ditto

The other evening, he said to me, "Yellow Gal. In case you can't tell, I really like you."

I got that tingly tickly feeling inside my chest. It was so tingly and tickly it almost hurt. But instead of reciprocating the sentiment, I could only say "You do?"

I'm such a wuss.

In the Beginning

My good friend just underwent a painful breakup with her boyfriend. It wasn't painful in that it was a five-year relationship that ended with him cheating on her with her best friend. It was painful in that it was slow and certain. I could see it coming a few weeks ago. That gradual distancing where it takes longer and longer for him to call her back. Where he initiates less and less contact, and doesn't quite suggest plans as much as he used to. Then he just stopped calling her. Ignored her calls. Refused to respond to her emails. Until finally she emailed him saying, "Just give me a time to pick up my stuff." Only THEN he responded:

Sorry it has to end this way. I'll be around 10 am tomorrow.

Best,
Asshole

My response, predictably, was "What the FUCK." How can a guy, only a month ago, say "I'm falling for you," and then turn around and pull this bull shit? I want to find this guy and maim him with a pair of garden-variety garden scissors and a blow torch. Nevermind the fact that he's 6'2, can bench press 300 pounds, and is a former Navy SEAL. I can take him.

In all seriousness, I feel badly for my friend, because that was such a lame and disrespectful way to break up with someone. And, as you all know, I am oh-so-familiar with that painful and slow disappearing act of a guy. What is it about directly dumping a gal that makes it so unpalatable that a guy would rather incur the wrath and hate of all of her girlfriends and be an asshole rather than just say, "This was great, but it's not going to work"?

I'll save that dead horse for another day.

So my point with all this is, in the Beginning, it is always da bomb. The Beginning is always great. Every idea or interest or tv show you mention is a new thing you have in common. You can't keep your hands off of each other, and when you're not together, you're distracted by memories of last Friday, last Saturday and last Sunday. In every relationship, no matter how shitty it Ended, the Beginning was always great.

With my friend and her asshole ex-boyfriend, the Beginning was perfect. She had said to me, "I never met anyone I have connected with on so many levels. Intellectually, emotionally, physically, politically. It's almost eerie." And he said as much too. This was It. The search was over.

But that was just the Beginning. The Icky Middle came. And then the End.

As you all know, I always get uber-excited about a new guy. But in the wake of my friend's break-up, I am much more hesitant in getting too excited. Even in my past relationships, the Beginnings were great -- before all the fights, the recycled arguments, the resentment, the unresolved issues that could never be resolved, the stonewalling, the passive aggression, the lameness.

The End is inevitable in every relationship. Well, except the one with the One you end up with.

Right now, I'm having a wonderful time with the boyfriend. I feel a tiny part of myself wondering if this is It, or if this is just the Beginning soon to be followed by a painful End. YEAHYEAH I know I can't know and I won't know until "I just know," and that there's no point in mulling over something I have no control over.

It's just freaky how deceptive Beginnings can be. Because they're always so wonderful.

Irrational thought of the day

Just now, I was thinking about my ex-boyfriend from X years ago, and how, aside from some fundamental problems, he's a really good guy and would make a great husband and father. And I was thinking, one day, he would inevitably be someone's husband and the father of someone's children. And that someone would not be me.

And then suddenly I felt a twinge of...something.

And I realized it. Even though I have zero interest in him, that I have zero desire to ever get back with him, and that I am 100% sure we could never work out as a couple, a part of me wants him to stay single and not get married. A part of me wants him to want me.

What the F is up with that?

It's incredibly narcissistic. And probably some other dysfunctional adjective. And hello, I have a boyfriend now. So what the F?

Dirty little secret

I have a guilty pleasure. It's hard for someone my age to admit. But I will. I like bad pop music.

I realize that to most people my age, "bad pop music" is redundant. None of my friends listen to today's pop stations anymore. None of them keep up with the top 40 hits. But I do. For example, I like the new Britney Spears song, "Gimme More." Yes, you just read that correctly. I think it's catchy. And I also like the Fergie song "Clumsy."

I understand that this guilty pleasure is an indictment of my intelligence, character, and humanity. Today's pop music is utterly devoid of any artistic value or originality. But I find it all very fergilicious.

Come on, don't we all have one dirty little secret we take pleasure in? Some people love gossip columns and magazines like Us and Hello!. Others have addictions to shows like Jerry Springer and the Maury Povich Show.

I like bad pop music. Don't get me wrong, I also like good quality stuff. I mean, who can forget the hits of Right Said Fred and RuPaul? (I'm kidding. Sort of.)

Anyway, this is my confession. That's just The Way I Are.

OkayOkay

So it's been a while since I've blogged. I've had a bit going on, though nothing too crazy. I suppose the biggest thing is that ... Friends Zone Guy is now my boyfriend.

Yes, boyfriend.

I italicize "boyfriend" because that label is so foreign to me. I haven't had a boyfriend in five years. FIVE years. Yes, I've had random dates and short-term pseudo-relationships. And certainly all of these encounters have been fodder for my blog entries. But it's been a while since I've had a boyfriend. The idea of having a boyfriend and being someone's girlfriend is just ... weird. Naturally I approach it all with some trepidation.

Here we go.