This is what I'm working with

I know one day, when I'm 70 years old, I'll look back fondly at some of the bad opening lines I got in my teens, twenties and thirties, and reminisce.

But that moment is not now.

I feel obligated as a concerned citizen, as a concerned human being, to apprised the public of what constitutes a bad opening line. A few recent examples:

1) A couple weeks ago, I was at a bar with another yellow gal. I was talking to a white guy who tells me he's a third year law student. "Cool," I think to myself, "he must have some modicum of intelligence." As we chit chat, he asks me my favorite question, "Where are you from?" Except, it's not just "Where are you from?" It's "Where are you from? You must be from California because there are a lot of Asians in California."

"No," I said. "I'm from the East Coast."

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were from California because there are a lot of Asians there."

Is it just me, or did that not make any sense? If I'm not mistaken, New York City has the 2nd largest Asian population in the U.S., after L.A.

If my life were a movie, this would be the part where I would turn to the camera and say, "Seriously? This is what I'm working with? This is my dating pool?"

2) Friday night, I get on the subway to meet up with a friend at a bar. I am semi-hooched out since we plan on clubbing - black halter top, jeans, black heels, silver hoop earrings. I soon learn that one of the good things about looking like a hoochie is that you get attention. One of the bad things about looking like a hoochie is that you get attention.

The subway car is virtually empty, so I choose the window seat of a two-seater-row. It's hot and muggy and I am fanning myself with a piece of paper. Then, a guy sits next to me. Which I think is weird because there's about a hundred empty seats in the rest of the car.

So I'm sitting there, praying that he won't start talking to me, already recoiling as I sense him looking directly at me as I fan myself and stare intently out the window.

"Wow you must be cold," he grinned, "you must be cold because you're fanning yourself."

I tried my best to stifle a grimace. "Um, no, actually, I'm hot," I explained, "that's why I'm fanning myself."

"Oh yeah, ha ha."

Okay, seriously? This is what I'm working with? THIS is my dating pool?

I had a whole train ride to go (thankfully only three more stops), so I opened my cell phone to fiddle with my texts and contacts list, anything to show this guy that I was too busy to converse with him. My stop came up and I thankfully was able to avoid speaking with him any longer.

3) I meet my girlfriend's guy friend Friday night. She insists that he likes me. I don't find him that attractive, but he's not bad. Then he opened his mouth.

"How old are you?" he asked me. Isn't there a rule that a guy is not supposed to ask a girl this question?

"29," I said.

"Oh I'm 28."

"Okay," I said.

"So why are you still single?"

"Um," I said, "because I haven't met the right one yet." What other answer did he expect? Because I'm psycho and clingy? Because I have intimacy issues? Because I just finished my 10-year prison sentence and just got out?

"See, it's okay for me to be single and 28, because I'm a guy," he explained, "but you're a girl and you're 29. So it's weird for you to be single."

Okay, seriously? SERIOUSLY? This is what I'm working with? Can you believe that these words actually came out of his mouth? Can you believe that after saying that to me he tried to ask me out the next night and then got miffed when I blew him off? Seriously?

So yeah. That's my report on Bad Opening Lines for now. This report will continue to be updated. It's sad because I don't think any of these guys are actually bad guys or anything. They just need some guidance. I can only hope that by spreading the word, we can stave off this epidemic of Bad Opening Lines.

Until then, this is what I'm working with.