Tuesday

"Wake up," it said.

"No," she replied.

"Do you know what day it is," it said.

"No," she replied.

"According to your birth control dispenser, it's Tuesday."

"Okay," she said.

"Why do you take birth control if you don't have sex?"

"To stay regular," she replied.

"Isn't it sad that the only way you know what day it is today is through your birth control pill dispenser?" it said. "And you're not even getting any."

She threw her pillow over her head.

"You can't block me out," it said in her ear.

"I know," she said, "but can I pretend?"

"No."

"Please, stop talking to me."

"I can't stop because I won't stop."

"Fine."

"Do you know who I am?" it asked her.

"Yes."

"Who am I?"

"You are the Voice," she said, "the Voice in the Back of my Mind. The one that tells me after I've left the house that I can't pull off that shirt. The one that says he's probably too good for me. The one that tells me I'm dumb, fat and ugly and will therefore die alone."

"Ah, so we've met."

"Yes, Voice, we have. Now please, leave me alone."

"Not until."

"Until what?"

"Until you convince me otherwise."

"Convince you otherwise what?"

"Until you convince me I'm wrong."

"Is that how this works?"

"Yes," it said. "For example, whenever I say you're fat, you take it, instead of having a comeback."

"Okay."

"Hello -- the proper response is, 'I'm not fat. I'm hot.' "

"That's supposed to be my response?"

"Yes," it said.

"Why are you giving me advice on shutting you up?"

"Because," it said, "you need it."

"Okay."

"Plus, it's kind of boring to kick someone while she's down."

"Right."

"So the next time I say you're dumb, you say...?"

"I'm smart, not dumb."

"Good," it said, "and...?

"Um," she thought a bit, "I wouldn't have been able to go to the schools I did, get the results I did, and get to where I was if I were dumb."

"There you go."

"Some people use sex or nepotism or connections to get to where I am now."

"Uh huh."

"And I worked my ass off."

"Right."

"Ergo, I'm smart, and, with all due respect, you need to shut the fuck up."

"Yeah, there you go," it said.

"No really, shut the fuck up."

"Okayokayokay. I'll go," it said sheepishly. "But you get the idea. Just remember this the next time you hear me."

"What I just say? Did I stutter?" she said. "Shut the fuck up."

"All right. I'm out."

She waited a minute and, after hearing nothing, pulled the pillow off her head and opened her eyes. There was nothing in the room. Nothing but silence. Sweet, serene silence. And it was nice.