Wednesday, July 02, 2008

So it's been a while.

I've been a bad blogger. i.e., a non-blogger. And it's not that stuff isn't going on. Stuff is going on. I just ... didn't feel inspired to blog about it. Because it was the same shit, different day-type of deal.

I think I've whined, on more than one occasion, about my job as an attorney. And in the last few months or so, I've wondered if maybe this is the right career for me. I handle stress very poorly. If something has screwed up, or is in jeopardy of being screwed up, or may or may not be screwed up, I experience what I believe to be a panic-attack. A palpable pit forms in my stomach and I can't breathe or think normally because the world's about to end. (It never does. Not yet anyways.)

Not to mention the chewing out by my superiors. I can understand their predicament--they hire a peon to make their lives easier and instead of easing their burdens, this peon makes mistakes, asks questions, and does things so slowly. It'd be frustrating. And so when something goes awry or not exactly the way they'd do it, a head is bitten off, usually mine.

Which brings me to several questions:

Am I cut out to be a lawyer? Am I just too goddamn weak, sensitive, anxious to be in this high-intensity profession?

Or is it the firm? My co-workers? Should I just change firms?

Or is it the practice area? Should I change areas?

Or is it the law in general?

Then I wonder, is anyone ever really happy in their job? Or is some agony an indispensable aspect of having a career? Am I being a quitter because I want to leave a job that makes me miserable? Shouldn't I be facing and overcoming adversity, rather than running away from it? Then again, doesn't everyone have a right to be happy? Isn't life too short to spend several years proving your worth to some judgmental voice in your head that says 'no pain, no gain'?

Then I wonder, am I being too picky? There are thousands of people out there who are unemployed, who would give anything to have the job I have, let alone any job. So am I being one of those self-entitled brats who had delusions about what it meant to be a yuppie? As my mom likes to remind me, there are people who have survived concentration camps and child molestation. I don't have it so rough, she says. And truth be told, the job's not all bad, I like the substance of the work that I do, the intellectual exercise of the law -- just not the stress and ego-smashing that accompanies it.

I've contemplated seeing a career counselor about this. Or maybe reading a good career book. I'm not really sure. The only things I know are that (1) I want to be happy, and (2) I'm not happy.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Definitely find another job. A job can be so much better depending on who you work with, and it's worth giving your career choice a chance at another location.

Anonymous said...

Someone once told me that the reason you get paid is it's a job and that maybe it's better to just accept that. I dunno.

Firm life is tough, though. Then again, that's why you prob. make more money than me.

Yellow Lawyer

Yellow Gal said...

Thanks for the tips. A few other people suggested that I talk to a head hunter, or at least poke around to see what else is out there. Who knows? It may turn out that this job is, given the present market, the best out there.

Anonymous said...

always good to talk to a head hunter but also talk to friends at other places. head hunters obviously want you to move so they their commission.

if you are in corporate or an area that can be affected by the economy, i'd be extra careful given the economy. don't let the bosses know. careful that the place you are considering really knows what they are doing (i.e., really needs people).

good luck!

yellow lawyer

 
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