Babymaniacs

It's recently come to my attention that people are sometimes a little too into their babies. And when I mean "a little too into," I mean OBSESSED. I'm not talking about the typical doting parent who loves his child to death and would kick the ass of anyone who'd hurt his child. I'm talking about parents who will cover 90% of her wall with her child's art work, prop up ten to twenty thousand framed photographs of her child at various stages of infancy, use a mousepad with a picture of her baby on it, use the baby's head as a background, screensaver and mouse icon on her computer, and affix as a signature to every email a picture of the baby.

It's a bit much.

I also find it amusing how everyone thinks that their baby is the smartest baby in the whole wide world. (So much for the teachers who thought Albert Einstein was retarded when he was in grade school.) Parents forcefeed the states and capitals to their infant so that the infant, whose umbilical cord is still healing from being cut a few hours ago, can recite them at baby parties. I want to just tell these parents to chill out. Just chill out. Chances are, if the parents are smart, so will the kids.

But maybe these parents are right -- if Einstein had watched Baby Mozart as an infant and was forced to memorize the periodic table when he was 2, he would have uncovered the mathematical proof of time travel, God and existence as we know it.

Damn, Einstein's parents f-ed that one up.

Now IKNOWIKNOWIKNOW, I won't understand this insanity until I have a baby, and I don't have a baby so I don't understand, so who am I to complain, wah wah wah. I readily admit that when I have a beb of my own, I'm gonna brag about how kick ass smart he is and how he's going to be such a superhero when he grows up. I get it.

I just hope someone calls my shit out when I start fashioning postage stamps and refrigerator magnets with my baby's head on them. God help us all if I do that.