A woman's man

"I am such a girl." This is what my friend, the Naysayer, said to me the other day. Unaware of his recent sex change operation, I asked, "You're a girl?"

"I am such a girl," he repeated.

I bit. "Why are you such a girl?"

"Because," he said matter-of-factly, "I am such a girl." Then it all came out. The Naysayer wasn't so much a girl as much as he was hopelessly pining over a girl. The Girl. The Smart Pretty Funny Girl who bears an uncanny resemblance to Naomi Watts. (Seriously, I saw her picture.) They hung out a couple of times, and the Naysayer's confidence and all sense of dignity plummeted into the realm of uncertainty, neuroses, fear, insecurity, clinginess, and the other emotions that necessarily accompany the phenomenon of dating a smart, pretty, funny girl who bears an uncanny resemblance to Naomi Watts.

"Oooh, I don't know if she likes me," he whined to me.

"I think she likes you," I assured him.

"Are you sure? How can you be sure? What if she doesn't?" he asked petulantly.

"Because she texted you. Unsolicited. She called you. Unsolicited. She asked you out. Twice. And she spent Valentine's Day with you," I said. "She could have been busy, you know. But no, she spent it with [insert gasp] you."

"Oooh, I hope she likes me!" he said in a falsetto voice.

"She introduced you to her friends," I added.

"She is going to dump me, isn't she?"

"She kissed you."

"It's over, isn't it?"

I groaned. Absent a marriage proposal, I was not sure how else the Girl could exhibit any more signs that she liked him. The Naysayer, since having first met the Girl, has called me at least twice a night, asking me to analyze every physical act she did or did not engage in, for example, how she didn't respond in the affirmative when he said "I'll talk to you later" as they got off the phone ("What does that mean?! I'm getting dumped!"). Each possible sign of rejection is thoroughly examined and obsessed over.

Then I wondered. Is it a "girl" thing? To obsess and pine and overanalyze and go nuts over a nuanced inflection in someone's voice when she says "pass the salt"? The careful balancing of appearing interested and attracted but not clingy or desperate? Is that "such a girl" thing to do? And if it's "such a girl" thing to do, then why do guys obsess like this?

Last night, I literally spent one hour -- one whole hour of my life that I'll never get back -- examining all the possible reasons why the Naysayer should or should not text the Girl, and if not text, then whether or not to call, and if not call, then whether or not to email. And if any of those three possibilities were to take place, then which day should contact take place? Because it was Monday and asking out for Saturday seems too clingy -- or was it just assertive and forward-thinking? "I don't want to scare her off!" "The ball's in her court, right?" "Oooh, I hope she likes me!"

Tonight the Naysayer issued his nightly report on the Girl. He did not text her last night. Instead, she texted him. ("Oooh, I hope she likes me!") He waited until this morning to text her back. Then she texted him back, asking follow-up questions. Then he texted her back, answering her questions, but, he added sheepishly, "I didn't ask her follow-up questions."

The reason I am regaling you people with this nonsensical anecdote is that I want you all to relive the experience, the scintillating experience, of being friends with a guy who is a "such a girl," but really, is just a guy.