A not good guy

I was chatting with Yellow Mom on the phone today. She asked how the Fiance and I are doing. "Good," I said.

"Things are good? That's good," she replied.

"Yep, things are good."

"You know, that's good that things are good," she continued. "You're not an easy person to live with."

I laughed. "The feeling is mutual."

"You need to be with someone good. Especially with your personality."

Normally, I would take this as a blatant attack on my lovability; but I understand exactly what she's talking about.

I know I get cantankerous sometimes for no reason at all. I take things out of context, take things personally, or respond sensitively to random remarks. Yes, these are my flaws, and sometimes I'm amazed that there's someone out there who will put up with it.

"You know," she continued, "it's good that Fiance is a good man. The number one quality to look for in a husband is that he is a good man."

Well, duh, I thought to myself.

"Money, education, intelligence," she said, "those are secondary to being a good person."

"Okay," I said.

"I mean, those are important," she qualified, "but goodness is number one."

"I get it," I said. "Yes, Fiance is a good man. He tolerates me and is patient with me."

"Good," she said.

I never really thought it would be a question: every chick wants a good man, right? I mean, isn't being a good person a fundamental trait that the One must have?

Then I thought about it. There are some women who are drawn to bad guys. Yes, there are really bad guys, like the ones who molest kids and moonlight as hitmen. Then there are bad guys, like the ones who cheat on their women. And then there are not-really-bad-but-bad guys.

My friend, "Angela," is dating a guy whom she is absolutely crazy about. She thinks he's super good-looking, intelligent, and funny. They've talked about marriage and kids. They've even looked at rings.

But there's something about him that rubs me the wrong way. I'm not exactly sure if he's a not-really-bad-but-but guy, or just a guy who is not good for my friend. Here's the background:

When they first started dating and hooking up, he started kicking it to a mutual friend of ours, "Beth." While still dating Angela, he sent text messages to Beth, asked how she was doing, and wanted to chat with her some time. He said lately he had been just staying in these past weekends, keeping it low key. He called her nicknames, like "shorty."

Later, we find out that he had been "staying in" all right, staying in and hooking up with Angela.

Now, technically speaking, the guy didn't do anything wrong. Angela and the dude weren't exclusively dating at the time he started kicking it to Beth. Until a couple Defines The Relationship, both parties are free agents. And even if they were in a relationship, he still didn't do anything wrong. He was just being "friendly" with Beth.

Still though, a little shady, no? Why would you kick it to a girl while having sex with her friend?

Notwithstanding this blip, the couple proceeded to Define The Relationship and became an official item.

I, however, noticed other red flags. For one, he constantly checks out other girls in front of his girlfriend, Angela, points out how fine these other women's tits/ass/legs are, and then proceeds to encourage Angela to hit the gym more often.

Is this "bad" behavior? He isn't abusing her or cheating on her.

When I hang out with him in a group (and Angela isn't there), he frequently begins his sentences with, "Man, if I were single":

"Man if I were single, I'd be going out every weekend instead of staying in."

"Man if I were single, I'd get a Porsche."

"Man if I were single, I'd be dating 18-year-olds." [Note: plural 18-year-olds. Also note: he is 35 years old, and so Angela.]

Now, he has never said, "I wish I were single." He simply fantasizes about being single.

I typically counter him by saying, "Dude, I've been single for 99% of my adult life. Dating is awful. Painful. I can't wait to not be single."

"Dating is not hard," he said. "You girls just don't know where to look, or you try too hard, or your standards are too high."

"I just I feel like I've been there, done that," I responded. "And I'm done. Done with the mind games, the Rules, the high hopes and the disappointments. Done with weeding through socially retarded guys. Done with dating. It's time for the next phase of my life."

He didn't seem to get it.

So is it me? Or does it seem like my friend's boyfriend isn't ready to settle down? More than that, he seems a little disrespectful towards her. He doesn't abuse her. But checking out a hot chick, pointing out her 36-DDD breasts and 23 inch waist, and asking his girlfriend why she can't hit the gym more just doesn't strike me as something that a "good" guy would do. On top of that, in front of our friends, he nagged her about hitting the gym -- I repeat, in front of her friends. Bear in mind, she is in no way FAT. Just because she isn't Jessica Alba doesn't mean she's FAT.

Angela loves him so much and seems almost grateful that she "has" him. Her sister, who is a clinical psychologist, met the boyfriend. Afterward, Angela asked her sister what she thought.

"He's a nice guy. Charming, good-looking, likable," the sister said. "The only thing is--I'm only saying this because I love you--"

"What?" Angela said.

"He strikes me as the kind of guy who would cheat on you."

"Oh," she said. Of course, the sister is just being overprotective...or jealous...or right.

A year later, they're still dating. He hasn't proposed yet. And some of us hope he doesn't. I think that might make me a shitty friend. We should hope for the best for our friends, and if this guy makes Angela so happy, we should hope for the best for both of them, right? We have talked to her about the guy's shadiness, but she brushes it off. After all, there is no strong evidence that he is a bad guy.

He just strikes me as man who isn't exactly good.