Most of the time, I feel normal. I wake up, I shower, I get dressed, I go to work. I commute on the bus. I say "thank you" to the bus driver when I get off the bus. I walk a couple blocks to my office and enjoy the noise of the city for those couple blocks. I press the button in the elevator, say "good morning" to the receptionist, walk to my office that has a tiny bamboo plant in the corner, and read and write and talk for several hours. I go home. I eat. I talk to friends. I make plans for the weekend. I gossip. I fret over boys or work. It is all a very normal life. At least I pretend it is.
Every once in a while, I feel very abnormal. Like there's something that's very very wrong in my life. I can't really describe what it is. I have food and water to survive. I have friends and a job. Shouldn't that be enough for me to feel normal? It's almost as if I feel uncomfortable in my skin, or rather, suffocated in my skin. There's really no other way to describe it. But I can't really get out of my skin, because, first, that would be gross, and second, where would I go? I just feel like there are so many confusing unstable things going on outside my skin and inside my skin simultaneously. Everything is uncertain, unstable, and random; and it all (every once in a while) feels very very wrong.
Every once in a while, I wish I could be a moron. Okay not seriously. But I wonder, how much happier would I be if the dumbest things like eating, farting, and fucking were enough to make me happy? I would never question anything. Life would be very simple. And I'd be happy with my Big Mac and fries and Ricki Lake.
But instead, I think about things. And for some bizarre unknown reason, at this particular moment on a Monday evening, I feel very alienated, from what or whom, I don't know. I just feel very out of place. And this does not feel normal.
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3 comments:
Everything probably is very wrong. Maybe it's best that we only get glimpses of this every once in a while. Or maybe you are peculiar (or abnormal), but in a good way. Nevertheless, I hope this feeling passes quickly.
WOW, You are certainly not alone with those feelings. I spent most of my life with friends and my family, I have 2 college degrees and have for the most part been always able to take care of myself, not beautiful but not hard on the eyes either. I have spent alot of my life trying to feel content and satisfied. I have spent alot of time w/ other people but, feeling utterly alone. I was never very comfortable in my skin. I tried to fill that void w/ many things. I must admit I was very lonely even when I was not alone. I over-did everything. not one boyfriend but 2, not one career, but 2. not one item on the menu but 2.not one cocktail but 6 etc....there was something very big missing inside me. How, does a woman fill that black hole inside her heart?? How do we start feeling connected to other people in a worthwhile way? what is worthwhile? I used to think back and feel like I had no substance, nothing that made me rich w/ feeling or passion, nothing that excited my soul. I have spent the last 20 years of my life trying to fill that void..my determination and need to fill that emptiness took me to alot of places, through alot of $$ and thru alot of men, until I crashed and burned. I took time to really look at myself and it was the hardest thing I have ever done, I didn't know what I was even trying to fix, all I kneww 2 years ago is that I was broken, very broken. I believe I have found some things that work for me. Do you think we have other feelings that are the same? Please tell me I do not suffer from terminal uniqueness as well. You helped me to not feel so bizarre today. Thank-you, Suz
my gawd. you're breaking out of the matrix!
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