A and B are dating. A and B are usually chatty and chipper when together.
One day, A was silent and morose. B tried to be chatty and chipper. A was unresponsive and distant. Finally, B asked A, "Is something wrong?"
Silence. Finally, A responded, "Yes. Sort of."
B replied, "What is it?"
A said, "It kind of bothered me when you did X."
B said, "Oh, doh. I didn't realize that. Sorry, I won't do it again."
A replied, "It's okay. Thanks for listening."
A and B then resumed being chatty and chipper again. Then a couple weeks later, A again became silent and morose. B tried again to be chatty and chipper. A was again unresponsive and distant. Finally, B asked A, "Is something wrong?"
After pausing for a moment, A responded, "Well, yeah."
B waited. "And what's wrong?"
A replied, "Well, it bothered me when you did Y."
B replied, "Oh, I guess went too far when I made that joke. I apologize and I won't do it again."
A said, "It's okay."
A and B again resumed the chatty/chipper routine. Then one day, A was again being silent, morose, unresponsive and distant. B was now annoyed that every time A was silent, morose, unresponsive and distant, B had to be the one who asked the question, "Is something wrong?" and drag it out of B. Neither A nor B proclaim to be mind-readers. Therefore, in order for either person to know what is bothering the other person, the person has to say it, rather than convey it through silent, morose, unresponsive and distant conduct.
B was now confronted with a few choices:
1) Repeat the above-mentioned cycle.
2) Not do anything and let A's passive aggression play itself out until A has no choice but to, on A's own initiative, confront B and therefore break the cycle.
3) Repeat the cycle and then afterwards say, "I'd appreciate it if you were more upfront about things when you're upset with me. It's difficult for me to understand what's going unless you talk about it."
Both #s 1 and 3 are enabling/perpetuating the cycle. Yet #2 is slightly passive aggressive.
At any rate, A and B are having dinner tonight. The truth will hopefully reveal itself then.
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2 comments:
I vote #3, as it points out the underlying problem (i.e., the need to communicate upfront).
#1 is never-ending
#2 could get messy, leading to a ticking clock.
So B was wrong. A wasn't mad. A was just quieter than usual for no reason. Later on when B met up with A, A was perfectly fine. Therefore, B's prepared confrontation scenarios and permutations thereof were all for naught.
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