Self-improving Yellow Gal

I know I have many flaws. But one flaw that stings me in particular is my passivity, which is related to my occasional passive-aggression.

I detest this about myself.

No doubt, I can be pretty blunt to people. Say things to their face. Tell them what my damage is or how they pissed me off. And I usually feel great after airing out my concerns.

And other times, I'm not. And I hate that. Part of this I suspect emerges from my upbringing. My mother, the most passive person I know, always discouraged rocking the boat and confronting people when it could be avoided. Is this an Asian thing? Or a female thing? Or a female Asian thing?

If someone ripped her off, her typical response would be, "Oh forget about it. I don't want to cause trouble for anyone. Let it be."

Another factor is the Christian factor. As I mentioned many-a-time in my blog, I was once a hard-core Bible thumper. Matthew 5:38-42 says: "If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." I literally interpreted this as, "If someone asks you to bend over and grab your ankles, hand him the lube."

And, in addition to my upbringing, I have a general desire to be liked. If given a choice between being liked and being disliked, which would you choose? I naturally choose A. If you tell someone he's wrong or he's stupid, you will be disliked. If you tell him he's right or smart, you will be liked.

All of these factors are detrimental to my personal life and professional life. As an attorney, this has been particularly troublesome.

For example, I sometimes worry over pissing off opposing counsel. My boss tells me, "It's not your job to be their buddy. It's your job to represent your client. Clients don't pay you based on how well you get along with opposing counsel. They pay you based whether you win."

Another instance this hurts me professionally is when I deal with my bosses. One boss in particular has cursed me out and threatened to kill me. This clearly is not right. Yet I haven't the guts to go up to him yet and say, "While I appreciate the benefits of constructive criticism, cursing me out and threatening to kill me are unprofessional and inappropriate. I request that you stop doing that because that conduct serves no valid purpose."

But instead of asserting myself, I do nothing. And then I get mad, both at myself and the perpetrators, for allowing all of this to happen. Then I act pissy around them (read: passive-aggression) and then get mad for being pissy.

It's stupid really.

A woman once told me it isn't until you're 40 when you're fully self-actualized, when you finally get it and you don't take shit from anyone, no matter how pissy or cantankerous someone is to you. When I first heard this in my early twenties, I couldn't believe how long it would take for me to reach that level. But now, I realize how far I have to go.

This entry is a confession. In other words, I already know that my habits are wrong and should be eliminated. Toward that end, I'm reading an interesting book, "Breaking the Bamboo Ceiling," by Jane Hyun, that addresses how certain Asian Americans face cultural impediments to their careers.

For example, in Japan and no doubt other Asian cultures, it is disrespectful to interrupt your superiors/elders or question the validity of their opinions. In America, it is encouraged to speak up against The Man, interrupt, push forward and be the "squeaky wheel." Therefore, if you harbor traditional Asian notions, even unconsciously, you won't get as far as someone who does rock the boat and stand up for himself even if it causes conflict.

I may also read books that are geared towards women. We all know that on average, women make less money than men for the same job with the same level of education. Part of this we may attribute to embedded sexism. But another part is that women don't self-promote. They don't ask for raises. They don't toot their own horn. Meanwhile, men go out of their way to pursue promotions aggressively, ask their bosses point blank for a raise, and tout their accomplishments.

The women who defy feminine convention and demand their propers, like Martha Stewart and Hilary Clinton, end up succeeding. Granted, they are reviled as "bitches." For some reason though, I suspect that neither Martha nor Hilary give a flying fuck.

I also plan on connecting with and picking the brains of other female Asian American attorneys who have practiced longer and therefore know what it's like to work in a White Man's world and beat them at their own game. I can't wait until that day when I am reviled as a bitch and don't give a flying fuck and can bring anyone to their knees. I won't cower or flinch when confronted. I'll step forward, look at him in the eye, and say "What?"

BUT until that day, I'll harbor this flaw. It's only a matter of time. And effort.