My own tabula rasa

I was on the phone last night with The Naysayer. We were debating whether or not one should fully disclose one's entire romantic history to one's long-term partner. He believes that in order to have an open and honest marriage, one must inform the spouse-to-be how many sexual partners one has had, every sexual deviant act one has performed, the history, synopsis, and reason for the demise of every previous relationship and encounter, to name a few. Failure to do so is equivalent to concealing things from the spouse-to-be.

I, on the other hand, argued that who or how many people one has dated/had sex with is in the past. Therefore, it is not relevant. For example, suppose one night in college, a man had a one-night stand with a woman. Since then, he has been in long-term relationships. I would argue that the incident in college was in the past and is not relevant to who he is now (a monogamist). The Naysayer would say that the one-night stand is relevant to who the man is today, that it in some way shaped his character (maybe it turned him off), and that he has an obligation to tell his future wife about it. If he does NOT tell his wife, he is being deceitful and dishonest.

Now, I agree that if something presently relates to one's relationship, then it is relevant and merits disclosure. Even something in the past can currently affect one's relationship. For example, suppose a girl's ex-boyfriend was abusive. She may as a result be terrified of angering her current boyfriend. This is an instance of the past affecting the present relationship.

However declining to divulge one's entire sexual history is not a marital sin. Who the person is right now--his personality, quirks, dreams, hopes, etc.--defines him. With whom he has had sex and with how many women do not define him. I don't affix a label onto a man who has been with five women versus ten women. The number is meaningless to me. If the man is healthy right now, if he does not pose a sexual, physical, or emotional threat to me right now, and if I love who is he is right now, then I can safely say the past is in the past.


Disclaimer/Caveat-bull ish: I am stating all this for argument's sake and I really don't know what the "right thing" is, or where the line is between sharing too much info and too little. And I acknowledge the possibility that, as The Naysayer bluntly indicated, all of this is a thinly veiled defense mechanism to deal with my less than pristine past. Perhaps, perhaps. But I stand by my tabula rasa!